The Last Jedi Visual Dictionary

Here's Pablo himself, set to try to make sense of Rian Johnson's dumb ideas. SPOLIERS abound.

What follows is a partial list of things that jumped out at me while going through this book. These complaints are linked directly to this crappy movie, of course. I am not done venting about TLJ. I will somewhat reluctantly go see it once more, then post my last entry about it.

Porgs are space puffins. Ok.

TLJ started "days" (3?) after TFA. Seems silly, as the opening crawl for TLJ says:

The FIRST ORDER reigns. Having decimated the peaceful Republic, Supreme Leader Snoke now deploys his merciless legions to seize military control of the galaxy. 

Only General Leia Organa’s band of RESISTANCE fighters stand against the rising tyranny, certain that Jedi Master Luke Skywalker will return and restore a spark of hope to the fight.

But the Resistance has been exposed. As the First Order speeds toward the rebel base, the brave heroes mount a desperate escape....

Pretty sweet. Secret hideout, disbelieved by the entire New Republic, except for the few people Leia has recruited, now the First Order now controls the galaxy in 3 days. Nice work, Snoke.

The Resistance fleet is 4 stupid ships. That apparently took over 3 days to get the D'Qar evacuation started. So that they can be ambushed by the First Order. Terrible time management, dummies.

One of these stupid ships, the Ninka, inexplicably carries "bunkerbuster" bombs. What? A space-based capital ship that carries, on outriggers, "high yield plasma bombs"? To drop where, exactly? Why is this the first ship of any faction, ever, to do such a thing? Why didn't this stupid ship use these against the First Order in the slow chase? Baffling. These people don't know what they're doing.

In a slow chase, it is always best to slowly let one capital ship at a time be evacuated and abandoned. While the others run out of fuel. Because abandoning capital ships during a fleet battle and fuel management overall are both excellent heroic stories worthy of Star Wars. Oh, wait. They're not.

If one was going to use a hyperspace suicide mission, couldn't one have done it right away? Then the Resistance would still have 3 ships, dummies.

Kylo Ren's TIE Silencer is said to carry torpedoes. With which he destroys all of the starfighters the Resistance has left, including Black One. FFG didn't know this, of course, so their version of the ship has no torpedoes. Because they are desperate for money, and can't wait until they know what they're designing before they release it. AGAIN.

FFG also did not, apparently, know the name MG-100 StarFortress.

Snoke is not a Sith. Apparently that line did end with Vader overthrowing Palpatine.

The Falcon's escape pods don't look like that, dummy. They are not one person, they are not just big enough to lay down in, they aren't mounted beneath the deck plating in the engineering section, and you do not use them to try to board en enemy capital ship in the middle of a slow chase. All of that is dumb.

The Lanais (Ahch-To caretakers of the Jedi temple). Part lizard, part bird, all nun? Comic relief? Or something?

The name Master Codebreaker. The personage of Master Codebreaker. The idea that you need a slicer in a fleet battle. The concept that you need to sneak aboard the opponent's ship during a fleet battle. The idea that you can take a quick side trek, during said fleet battle, to get said slicer to do said boarding. All stupid. Incredibly stupid.

The new aliens are bad. And not in the spirit of Star Wars.

Fathier stable Force-sensitive kids = bad. Heavy handed. Ham-fisted.

DJ. Annoying as a character. Wanting to find a specific hacker during a fleet battle is stupid. Accidentally finding a random hacker for your fleet battle needs is even worse. Did I mention that needing a hacker during a fleet battle is a stupid idea?

Stormtroopers carrying laser axes is also terrible. In every way.

A "siege cannon based on Death Star tech" is so bad, I wonder if Keven J. Anderson is involved. I take that back. I like everything bad he's written better than this stupid idea.

Rickety airspeeders that scrape along the ground? Bad. A suicidal last ditch attack against overwhelming odds? Ok...that can be a heroic Star Wars thing. Calling off said attack for some reason, after calling it "on" in the first place, makes no sense. Why? Why? Why?

Again the First Order wins the engineering prize: somehow they are able to make a bigger AT-AT than the Empire. Unlikely? Yes! But wait, there's more! They win, hands down, in the stupid name category: AT-M6. Meaning....All Terrain (good so far) MegaCaliber Six (WHHHHHAAAAATTTTTT!!!????!!!). So dumb. So. Dumb.

Everyone. Everywhere in the new galaxy. Stop talking about fathiers as if everyone knows what they are. This is the first place they've showed up, so cool your jets. You're acting like they're made of nerf burgers or something.

Rian Johnson has likely never seen a Star Wars movie before directing this terrible effort. I doubt he knows what a shared universe development effort looks like.


***


To sum up, let's listen to Mark Hamill, before he walked back his statements a bit:

I at one point had to say to Rian, “I pretty much fundamentally disagree with every choice you’ve made for this character. Now, having said that, I have gotten it off my chest, and my job now is to take what you’ve created and do my best to realize your vision.”

and

I said to Rian, I said “Jedis don’t give up.” I mean, even if he had a problem, he would maybe take a year to try and regroup, but if he made a mistake he would try and right that wrong, so right there, we had a fundamental difference, but, it’s not my story anymore. It’s somebody else’s story, and Rian needed me to be a certain way to make the ending effective. 

Well, in this version, see, I’m talking about the George Lucas Star Wars. This is the next generation of Star Wars. I almost had to think of Luke as another character. Maybe he’s Jake Skywalker, he’s not my Luke Skywalker. But I had to do what Rian wanted me to do because it serves the story well. Listen, I still haven’t accepted it completely, but, it’s only a movie. I hope people like it. I hope they don’t get upset. I came to really believe that Rian was the exact man they needed for this job.

I take these same positions, but even further. I disagree with every decision Rian Johnson made. His complete lack of understanding of Star Wars and disregard for all that has come before was worse than even the hack job Jar Jar Abrams created. This was worse in every way.

The existence of the Lucasfilm Story Group is a joke. They cannot even manage to not contradict themselves across different media types for the same release, not to mention keep new stories from ruining old canon. How sad.

Cobalt Squadron

Just finished this book. Meh.

I guess I should cut it more slack, due to its place as a "middle grade canon novel". However, many of these young adult titles have been good in the past (most notably, the wonderful Lost Stars). But the writing here is sub-par. Everything said is repeated around one hundred times. The "action" is low key and a bit bland. Another case of not correctly working a story into the overarching SW history and shared universe.

Mostly about Rose and Paige Tico, flying those ungainly looking StarFortresses. Man those things die easily. What a terrible ship. Everything about it is dumb. A big bomber that magnetically drops magnetic bombs, in space, wherein magnetism will guide the bombs to their target. Tail gunner, bottom gunner, but no top gunner. Guess they skipped that part of WWII bomber design. Look, I like  B-17s. I even like the Lancaster, which this author apparently got to fly in as prep for writing this book. But these things just aren't Star Wars. Sorry. Bad design, worse execution. Follows none of the pre-exisiting tech. Just poor all around. And they are so easily shot down that I wonder why anyone would want to set out in such a death trap.

One thing the book confirms is that the events of The Last Jedi take place about 3 days after the events of The Force Awakens. Which is dumb, as in TFA the First Order is a secret society that nobody has heard of and by TLJ the First Order is sweeping across the galaxy. Right. Terrible screenplay.

This book, along with TLJ, plays an un-compelling brand of small ball using uninteresting characters and jarringly bad tech decisions. These people, quite simply, don't know what they're doing.

I guess some blame has to land on people like Pablo Hidalgo, a former part time Winnipeg-based, freelance artist who did some work for WEG, and somehow parlayed that into a high level Lucasfilms career. The SW RPG from WEG was waaaayyy better than this sequel trilogy pile of junk in terms of internal consistency and world building. This is high profile amateur hour, comparatively.

Sad. 

Canto Bight

Just finished Star Wars: Canto Bight, a collection of short stories tied into The Last Jedi. A mixed bag of low stakes tales, featuring a place I can't help feel should've played a larger role in the movie. This seems like a definite "Constable Zuvio" moment; referring to the character basically cut from The Force Awakens, who featured prominently in the run up to that movie. 

Short descriptions of the four tales included, taken from the inside front cover:

Rules of the Game (Saladin Ahmed): An honest salesman meets a career criminal as a dream vacation turns into the worst nightmare imaginable.

The Wine in Dreams (Mira Grant): Dreams and schemes collide when a deal over a priceless bottle of wine becomes a struggle for survival.

Hear Nothing, See Nothing (Rae Carson): Old habits die hard when a servant is forced into a mad struggle for power among Canto Bight's elite.

The Ride (John Jackson Miller): A deadbeat gambler has one last chance to turn his luck around; all he has to do is survive one wild night.

***

None of this feels like Star Wars. That may be the point of this new reboot, Disney stuff. I am not sure anymore. 

All four are OK stories, I'd wager. Not really groundbreaking or even all that interesting, the stories feature a strange collection of "heroes": a moisture vaporator salesbeing of the year, a sommelier and a pair of eclectic twin sisters, a massuer, and a professional gambler.

Nothing earth-shattering occurs. Canto Bight sounds OK; but not even as nice as the descriptions I recall from the Kuari Princess or Pantolomin. Certainly not as opulent as locales on Coruscant. I've been to much better places with my friend Lando, a true master gambler (and hero of the Rebellion).

Cantonica feels like a quaint back-water, comparatively. 

One thing I read in the Visual Dictionary: Canto Bight is a casino city on the planet Cantonica, which is in the Corporate Sector. Interesting. More on how stupid that makes certain TLJ plot points, in a future post reviewing the movie (with spoilers).

***

The main characters in these stories are probably find-able extras in the movie. Not sure.

The Vaporator Salesbeing of the Year, Kedpin Shoklop

Derla Pidys, the four-eyed sommelier

Rhomby and Parallela Grammus. Worst SW names ever? Probably not.

Lexo Sooger, the masseur

Kaljach Sonmi, failed gambler

The Last Jedi review (no spoilers)

I saw Episode VIII last night, and I can now answer this burning question: can you make a worse Star Wars movie than The Force Awakens? Rian Johnson et al deliver a resounding: YES!

I won't go into specific spoilers in this first Episode VIII post, but suffice it to say that I thought this movie was a disjointed mess of underwhelming miniature crises, unwarranted side treks, and unbelievably poor tactical and strategic planning. Many Bothans died needlessly in an endless parade of stupidity. The First Order deserves to win, but nobody cares if the Resistance fails.

One item I will dig into a bit more, later, is the numerous times the writers, via direct dialog, are having a conversation with us, the fans. It's like Johnson and Disney closely read the reviews of TFA, particularly those related to plot holes or outstanding questions, and wanted to include a line about each, usually spoken directly into the camera. It's low-brow, to my mind. Like an author replying to specific Amazon.com reviews of their book in the text of the sequel.

Luke: No, Gary from Portland, we did not forget how the Force works. And yes, Sheila from Maine, my cloak does look wrinkled. I live on a deserted island, for cripes sake.

Rey: Who are you talking to, Master Skywalker?

Luke: Nevermind...

***

My preferred order for the movies:

IV A New Hope
V The Empire Strikes Back
VI Return of the Jedi
Rogue One
III Revenge of the Sith
II Attack of the Clones
I The Phantom Menace
...
VII The Force Awakens
VIII The Last Jedi

The Legends of Luke Skywalker

Just finished reading this one, The Legends of Luke Skywalker (Ken Liu, 2017), part of the Journey to Star Wars: The Last Jedi event.

The premise is interesting: basically extrapolating from Rey's quote in The Force Awakens: 

"Luke Skywalker? I thought he was a myth."

This book is a series of short stories connected by some interludes; inter- (or intra*?)-story pieces wherein the beings sharing the "legends of Luke" discuss what they've heard, seen, believe, etc. I like the concept somewhat. I was hoping to spend time solely with my good buddy Luke. In particular, I was really hoping to learn something concrete about events after RotJ. Luke and I have a lot of catching up to do! Sadly, it was not to be; at least not in the way I'd hoped.

Some of the stories included herein are quite good. All have the theme of Luke traveling the galaxy (all post RotJ, I think) learning about disparate Force traditions. Other included stories are annoying. It seems rampant comedy is now a part of the canon. Not used as a spice, but as the main course. I am too serious of a SW fan (yes, that does sound sad) for me to enjoy that sort of thing. Perhaps least so when it comes to my old buddy Luke. (This is the same author who brought us the comedy piece "The Sith of Datawork" in the From a Certain Point of View collection...).

Canto Bight plays a peripheral role in the interlude tale. Eager to see that place on the silver screen. Not too far away, now.

By the end of the book I was happier with the overall experience than I suspected I'd be (based on one or two of the legends included).





*all of the stories are somewhat connected, making the overall feel like a bit of one long legend. So "intra" might be warranted.

From a Certain Point of View

Star Wars: From a Certain Point of View (2017)

Just finished reading this collection of 40 stories to celebrate the 40 years since Star Wars: A New Hope was released. Hoping for a bit of the "look and feel" of the old Tales From... series of books; a good crop of modern back story pieces. One neat thing is that the stories go in chronological order with the events in A New Hope: starting just before the movie opens and continuing through 'til the end.

Proceeds from the sale of this short story collection benefit the non-profit group First Book. All contributors have forgone any compensation for their work. So that's nice.

What's inside, you ask? Well, here are some short thoughts about these short stories. Of the 40 tales, I really like 18 of them and actively dislike 11. The other 11 are neither here nor there. I'm glad I bought the book, and I am pleased to have read it. Wide variation in quality and seriousness found herein.

1. Raymus (Gary Whitta)

A decent tale that might be trying too hard. Attempts to explain why Tantive IV rode to the Battle of Scarif aboard Profundity and why Vader's star destroyer Devastator was able to track the CR90 through hyperspace and follow it to Tatooine. Seemed a bit heavy-handed; but an OK story.

2. The Bucket (Christie Golden)

Another situation where a stormtrooper  switches sides, or at least thinks about it? Eh.

3. The Sith of Datawork (Ken Liu)

The first of the joke stories (perhaps?). All about low-ranking officers aboard Devastator trying to fill out bureaucratic forms to protect themselves from their failures. No thanks.

4. Stories in the Sand (Griffin McElroy)

A jawa who wants to see the stars, somehow interacts with and saves R2-D2 aboard the sandcrawler, before the Lars family purchases the astromech. We don't need to wedge this sort of constant strife at every moment into the existing story, creating a legion of secret heroes to whom the actual heroes owe their success. It's not...heroic.

5. Reirin (Sabaa Tahir)

A tale of a Force-sensitive Tusken Raider who just wants a better life. And secretly boards the same sandcrawler with the droids. Too much, people. The sandcrawler is full. No more passengers, please.

6. The Red One (Rae Carson)

The 'bad motivator' astromech that Owen Lars purchases first interacts with, and saves, R2-D2. Behind the scenes. Again. On the sandcrawler. He malfunctions on purpose to help R2 complete his mission to save the galaxy. Again, people. Not required to make everything that occurs on the screen be the secret work of the Force; each person a knowing participant in the saga. Some droids (and others) are extras. They have stories, etc, but they are not the heroes.

7. Rites (John Jackson Miller)

A Force-sensitive Tusken Raider who encounters the old hermit living on the edge of the Jundland Wastes. This author did a very nice job detailing the Tusken society in the wonderful novel "Kenobi". I liked this story, too.

8. Master and Apprentice (Claudia Gray)

Another good story. Obi-Wan, alone in the desert, still learning from his dearly departed Master, Qui-Gon. I certainly like Claudia Gray's writing.

9. Beru Whitesun Lars (Meg Cabot)

Aunt Beru speaking to us from beyond the grave. Mentions blue milk about 6 too many times. Pass.

10. The Luckless Rodian (Renee Ahdieh)

Greedo tries to make a play for Solo and, thank the maker, Han Shoots First. Good story.

11. Not for Nothing (Mur Lafferty)

A mediocre portion of a fictitious memoir about Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes. Covers some of their adventures working for Jabba.

12. We Don't Serve Thier Kind Here (Chuck Wendig)

Not good. In his own terrible turn of phrase, this story was like "...a hawked-up globba spit on top of a poodoo sundae." Terrible writer. End of story.

One minor note: Wendig strikes again, in terms of LGBT inclusiveness. Never one to not mention in a ham-fisted way a gay or lesbian couple, he manages to work one in here, too. It's the best thing about this bad writer's writing; but I wish it were worked into the story with more skill. Seems like he's just checking off a box...need to add a gay couple before I'm done.

13. The Kloo Horn Cantina Caper (Kelly Sue DeConnock and Matt Fraction)

Too long. Perhaps most like the old "Tales From...", in a way. Aims to introduce us to a whole range of minor cantina characters who are all small time crooks and low level operators. They screw each other over constantly, and drink too much, and are always looking to make a score. OK, I guess.

14. Added Muscle (Paul Dini)

Poor. First person tale, supposedly told by Boba Fett. Fett, as portrayed here, sounds like a whiny loser. Not buying it.

15. You Owe Me a Ride (Zoraida Cordova)

The Tonnika sisters. I like this one.

16. The Secrets of Long Snoot (Delilah S. Dawson)

Backstory for the Kubaz Garindan. Another good story, I'd wager.

17. Born in the Storm (Daniel Jose Older)

More jokes about filling out forms. Not funny. This is about a stormtrooper completing an Imperial Incident Report form. Toss is a bit of hackneyed "bad stormtrooper turns good" for a rating of: meh.

18. Laina (Wil Wheaton)

A heartbreaking tale, well told by an icon of the other best SciFi series around. Very good.

19. Fully Operational (Beth Revis)

The careful and calculating General Cassio Tagge thinks there may be a danger to the Rebels having stolen the Death Star plans at Scarif. He is alone among his High Command peers, however. Spoiler alert: he was right! A good read.

20. An Incident Report (Mallory Ortberg)

You guessed it! Another person filling out a form. This time its Admiral Motti writing to the powers that be on Coruscant to protest his shoddy treatment (and Force choking) and the hands (fingers?) of Darth Vader. Enough with the forms.

21. Change of Heart (Elizabeth Wein)

Another Imperial decides the bad guy side isn't for him anymore. This time we have an assistant interrogator, involved with Vader in the questioning/torture of Leia on the Death Star. He decides to join the Rebellion. At this sad rate, we'll have 50% of the Imps seen on screen defecting to the Alliance by the time we're done reading these stories.

22. Eclipse (Madeleine Roux)

Another heartbreaking tale. Well written. Bail and Breha Organa, home on Alderaan, first learn of the apparent loss of Tantive IV in the Battle of Scarif, then, still grieving, live through the last moments of their home planet together.

23. Verge of Greatness (Pablo Hidalgo)

A decent story of Tarkin claiming control of the Death Star by thwarting (and ultimately killing) Krennic. Told as a disjointed series of flash backs and flash forwards, also includes a strange interlude of Admiral Motti all but pledging to serve Tarkin if the Grand Moff wished to use the Death Star to leave the Empire.

24. Far Too Remote (Jeffrey Brown)

A single panel cartoon. What?

25. The Trigger (Kieron Gillen)

Dr. Aphra's first appearance outside of her comics, I'd wager. OK, I guess. Don't quite like Dr. Aphra.

26. Of MSE-6 and Men (Glen Weldon)

If a movie were to be made of this story, you'd find it in the adult section of the video store. Not good. Keep it together, Star Wars.

27. Bump (Ben Acker and Ben Blacker)

Finally a stormtrooper who has decided to stick with the Empire.

28. End of Watch (Adam Christopher)

An interesting tale wherein we get to watch the events of Luke, Han, and Chewie's Death Star prison break from the other side. The people in the Station Control West control room don't quite know what to make of all this tomfoolery going on down there. Kinda fun.

29. The Baptist (Nnedi Okorafor)

A compelling concept, a well written story. Perhaps trying a bit too hard. This suggests that the dianoga that attacks Luke in the Death Star trash compactor is sentient, Force-sensitive, and in fact is working on behalf of the Force to "baptize" Luke: transitioning him from boy to man.

30. Time of Death (Cavan Scott)

Another tale from beyond the grave. No blue milk mentioned, so that's good. This one has a cool vibe; a bit otherworldly and mysterious, as Obi-Wan struggles to learn about being a Force ghost.

31. There is Another (Gary D. Schmidt)

Yoda wishes he could train a Skywalker...just not Luke. A good story of the pre-Luke visit time on Dagobah.

32. Palpatine (Ian Doescher)

Oh no. A Palpatine Shakespearean soliloquy. Or a rap? No thank you.

33. Sparks (Paul S. Kemp)

The first of a few very nice stories about the Rebel starfighter attack on the Death Star.

34. Duty Roster (Jason Fry)

Another great tale of behind-the-scenes action during the desperate space battle around the Death Star. Probably can serve as the definitive guide for who's who in the various squadrons, considering the author. I would suspect he wanted to use this story to straighten out the canon in this regard once and for all; and I approve wholeheartedly. This story: 1. claims that there were more pilots that starfighters available to fly, and 2. attempts to explain the "Fake Wedge" guy, long mis-identified in the briefing room before the Battle of Yavin (as I recall).

35. Desert Son (Pierce Brown)

A tale of Biggs...meeting Luke at Yavin, then going out in a blaze of glory on the trench run. Nice.

36. Grounded (Gary Rucka)

The starfighter attack on the Death Star as seen from the point of view of the ground techs and support crews listening to the action via radio, as the fighting went on high above. Strangely enough, this tale contradicts the details in "Duty Roster" by claiming that Yavin base had more starfighters than they had available pilots. Three spare, space-worthy X-wings, just sitting there, this tale says. Unlikely, I'd say. "Duty Roster" is all about the tough choices Garven Dreis had to make about which pilots would fly the precious few craft they had on hand. An odd consistency mistake to have happen.

37. Contingency Plan (Alexander Freed)

A strange, alternate universe though experiment wherein Mon Mothma daydreams about possible futures, including surrendering in person to Palpatine.

38. The Angle (Chales Soule)

Lando somehow watching a black-market holo recording of the Death Star trench run, soon after it occurs, in some backwater bar half-way across the galaxy. Already bad; but to make it worse, he sees (and can identify) the Falcon in said footage. And he knows it's Han piloting. Unlikely, my friends.

39. By Whatever Sun (E.K. Johnston and Ashley Eckstein)

Alderaan refugees, newly homeless, stick together during the medal ceremony at the end of A New Hope. They draw strength from seeing Leia's steely resolve up close and personal.

40. Whills (Tome Angleberger)

Bad. Another comedy piece, or something like that. Not good. Quit using important words and concepts (like the Whills) for dumb things like this.

The Last Jedi Trailer