The Last Jedi Visual Dictionary

Here's Pablo himself, set to try to make sense of Rian Johnson's dumb ideas. SPOLIERS abound.

What follows is a partial list of things that jumped out at me while going through this book. These complaints are linked directly to this crappy movie, of course. I am not done venting about TLJ. I will somewhat reluctantly go see it once more, then post my last entry about it.

Porgs are space puffins. Ok.

TLJ started "days" (3?) after TFA. Seems silly, as the opening crawl for TLJ says:

The FIRST ORDER reigns. Having decimated the peaceful Republic, Supreme Leader Snoke now deploys his merciless legions to seize military control of the galaxy. 

Only General Leia Organa’s band of RESISTANCE fighters stand against the rising tyranny, certain that Jedi Master Luke Skywalker will return and restore a spark of hope to the fight.

But the Resistance has been exposed. As the First Order speeds toward the rebel base, the brave heroes mount a desperate escape....

Pretty sweet. Secret hideout, disbelieved by the entire New Republic, except for the few people Leia has recruited, now the First Order now controls the galaxy in 3 days. Nice work, Snoke.

The Resistance fleet is 4 stupid ships. That apparently took over 3 days to get the D'Qar evacuation started. So that they can be ambushed by the First Order. Terrible time management, dummies.

One of these stupid ships, the Ninka, inexplicably carries "bunkerbuster" bombs. What? A space-based capital ship that carries, on outriggers, "high yield plasma bombs"? To drop where, exactly? Why is this the first ship of any faction, ever, to do such a thing? Why didn't this stupid ship use these against the First Order in the slow chase? Baffling. These people don't know what they're doing.

In a slow chase, it is always best to slowly let one capital ship at a time be evacuated and abandoned. While the others run out of fuel. Because abandoning capital ships during a fleet battle and fuel management overall are both excellent heroic stories worthy of Star Wars. Oh, wait. They're not.

If one was going to use a hyperspace suicide mission, couldn't one have done it right away? Then the Resistance would still have 3 ships, dummies.

Kylo Ren's TIE Silencer is said to carry torpedoes. With which he destroys all of the starfighters the Resistance has left, including Black One. FFG didn't know this, of course, so their version of the ship has no torpedoes. Because they are desperate for money, and can't wait until they know what they're designing before they release it. AGAIN.

FFG also did not, apparently, know the name MG-100 StarFortress.

Snoke is not a Sith. Apparently that line did end with Vader overthrowing Palpatine.

The Falcon's escape pods don't look like that, dummy. They are not one person, they are not just big enough to lay down in, they aren't mounted beneath the deck plating in the engineering section, and you do not use them to try to board en enemy capital ship in the middle of a slow chase. All of that is dumb.

The Lanais (Ahch-To caretakers of the Jedi temple). Part lizard, part bird, all nun? Comic relief? Or something?

The name Master Codebreaker. The personage of Master Codebreaker. The idea that you need a slicer in a fleet battle. The concept that you need to sneak aboard the opponent's ship during a fleet battle. The idea that you can take a quick side trek, during said fleet battle, to get said slicer to do said boarding. All stupid. Incredibly stupid.

The new aliens are bad. And not in the spirit of Star Wars.

Fathier stable Force-sensitive kids = bad. Heavy handed. Ham-fisted.

DJ. Annoying as a character. Wanting to find a specific hacker during a fleet battle is stupid. Accidentally finding a random hacker for your fleet battle needs is even worse. Did I mention that needing a hacker during a fleet battle is a stupid idea?

Stormtroopers carrying laser axes is also terrible. In every way.

A "siege cannon based on Death Star tech" is so bad, I wonder if Keven J. Anderson is involved. I take that back. I like everything bad he's written better than this stupid idea.

Rickety airspeeders that scrape along the ground? Bad. A suicidal last ditch attack against overwhelming odds? Ok...that can be a heroic Star Wars thing. Calling off said attack for some reason, after calling it "on" in the first place, makes no sense. Why? Why? Why?

Again the First Order wins the engineering prize: somehow they are able to make a bigger AT-AT than the Empire. Unlikely? Yes! But wait, there's more! They win, hands down, in the stupid name category: AT-M6. Meaning....All Terrain (good so far) MegaCaliber Six (WHHHHHAAAAATTTTTT!!!????!!!). So dumb. So. Dumb.

Everyone. Everywhere in the new galaxy. Stop talking about fathiers as if everyone knows what they are. This is the first place they've showed up, so cool your jets. You're acting like they're made of nerf burgers or something.

Rian Johnson has likely never seen a Star Wars movie before directing this terrible effort. I doubt he knows what a shared universe development effort looks like.


***


To sum up, let's listen to Mark Hamill, before he walked back his statements a bit:

I at one point had to say to Rian, “I pretty much fundamentally disagree with every choice you’ve made for this character. Now, having said that, I have gotten it off my chest, and my job now is to take what you’ve created and do my best to realize your vision.”

and

I said to Rian, I said “Jedis don’t give up.” I mean, even if he had a problem, he would maybe take a year to try and regroup, but if he made a mistake he would try and right that wrong, so right there, we had a fundamental difference, but, it’s not my story anymore. It’s somebody else’s story, and Rian needed me to be a certain way to make the ending effective. 

Well, in this version, see, I’m talking about the George Lucas Star Wars. This is the next generation of Star Wars. I almost had to think of Luke as another character. Maybe he’s Jake Skywalker, he’s not my Luke Skywalker. But I had to do what Rian wanted me to do because it serves the story well. Listen, I still haven’t accepted it completely, but, it’s only a movie. I hope people like it. I hope they don’t get upset. I came to really believe that Rian was the exact man they needed for this job.

I take these same positions, but even further. I disagree with every decision Rian Johnson made. His complete lack of understanding of Star Wars and disregard for all that has come before was worse than even the hack job Jar Jar Abrams created. This was worse in every way.

The existence of the Lucasfilm Story Group is a joke. They cannot even manage to not contradict themselves across different media types for the same release, not to mention keep new stories from ruining old canon. How sad.

Cobalt Squadron

Just finished this book. Meh.

I guess I should cut it more slack, due to its place as a "middle grade canon novel". However, many of these young adult titles have been good in the past (most notably, the wonderful Lost Stars). But the writing here is sub-par. Everything said is repeated around one hundred times. The "action" is low key and a bit bland. Another case of not correctly working a story into the overarching SW history and shared universe.

Mostly about Rose and Paige Tico, flying those ungainly looking StarFortresses. Man those things die easily. What a terrible ship. Everything about it is dumb. A big bomber that magnetically drops magnetic bombs, in space, wherein magnetism will guide the bombs to their target. Tail gunner, bottom gunner, but no top gunner. Guess they skipped that part of WWII bomber design. Look, I like  B-17s. I even like the Lancaster, which this author apparently got to fly in as prep for writing this book. But these things just aren't Star Wars. Sorry. Bad design, worse execution. Follows none of the pre-exisiting tech. Just poor all around. And they are so easily shot down that I wonder why anyone would want to set out in such a death trap.

One thing the book confirms is that the events of The Last Jedi take place about 3 days after the events of The Force Awakens. Which is dumb, as in TFA the First Order is a secret society that nobody has heard of and by TLJ the First Order is sweeping across the galaxy. Right. Terrible screenplay.

This book, along with TLJ, plays an un-compelling brand of small ball using uninteresting characters and jarringly bad tech decisions. These people, quite simply, don't know what they're doing.

I guess some blame has to land on people like Pablo Hidalgo, a former part time Winnipeg-based, freelance artist who did some work for WEG, and somehow parlayed that into a high level Lucasfilms career. The SW RPG from WEG was waaaayyy better than this sequel trilogy pile of junk in terms of internal consistency and world building. This is high profile amateur hour, comparatively.

Sad. 

Canto Bight

Just finished Star Wars: Canto Bight, a collection of short stories tied into The Last Jedi. A mixed bag of low stakes tales, featuring a place I can't help feel should've played a larger role in the movie. This seems like a definite "Constable Zuvio" moment; referring to the character basically cut from The Force Awakens, who featured prominently in the run up to that movie. 

Short descriptions of the four tales included, taken from the inside front cover:

Rules of the Game (Saladin Ahmed): An honest salesman meets a career criminal as a dream vacation turns into the worst nightmare imaginable.

The Wine in Dreams (Mira Grant): Dreams and schemes collide when a deal over a priceless bottle of wine becomes a struggle for survival.

Hear Nothing, See Nothing (Rae Carson): Old habits die hard when a servant is forced into a mad struggle for power among Canto Bight's elite.

The Ride (John Jackson Miller): A deadbeat gambler has one last chance to turn his luck around; all he has to do is survive one wild night.

***

None of this feels like Star Wars. That may be the point of this new reboot, Disney stuff. I am not sure anymore. 

All four are OK stories, I'd wager. Not really groundbreaking or even all that interesting, the stories feature a strange collection of "heroes": a moisture vaporator salesbeing of the year, a sommelier and a pair of eclectic twin sisters, a massuer, and a professional gambler.

Nothing earth-shattering occurs. Canto Bight sounds OK; but not even as nice as the descriptions I recall from the Kuari Princess or Pantolomin. Certainly not as opulent as locales on Coruscant. I've been to much better places with my friend Lando, a true master gambler (and hero of the Rebellion).

Cantonica feels like a quaint back-water, comparatively. 

One thing I read in the Visual Dictionary: Canto Bight is a casino city on the planet Cantonica, which is in the Corporate Sector. Interesting. More on how stupid that makes certain TLJ plot points, in a future post reviewing the movie (with spoilers).

***

The main characters in these stories are probably find-able extras in the movie. Not sure.

The Vaporator Salesbeing of the Year, Kedpin Shoklop

Derla Pidys, the four-eyed sommelier

Rhomby and Parallela Grammus. Worst SW names ever? Probably not.

Lexo Sooger, the masseur

Kaljach Sonmi, failed gambler

The Last Jedi review (no spoilers)

I saw Episode VIII last night, and I can now answer this burning question: can you make a worse Star Wars movie than The Force Awakens? Rian Johnson et al deliver a resounding: YES!

I won't go into specific spoilers in this first Episode VIII post, but suffice it to say that I thought this movie was a disjointed mess of underwhelming miniature crises, unwarranted side treks, and unbelievably poor tactical and strategic planning. Many Bothans died needlessly in an endless parade of stupidity. The First Order deserves to win, but nobody cares if the Resistance fails.

One item I will dig into a bit more, later, is the numerous times the writers, via direct dialog, are having a conversation with us, the fans. It's like Johnson and Disney closely read the reviews of TFA, particularly those related to plot holes or outstanding questions, and wanted to include a line about each, usually spoken directly into the camera. It's low-brow, to my mind. Like an author replying to specific Amazon.com reviews of their book in the text of the sequel.

Luke: No, Gary from Portland, we did not forget how the Force works. And yes, Sheila from Maine, my cloak does look wrinkled. I live on a deserted island, for cripes sake.

Rey: Who are you talking to, Master Skywalker?

Luke: Nevermind...

***

My preferred order for the movies:

IV A New Hope
V The Empire Strikes Back
VI Return of the Jedi
Rogue One
III Revenge of the Sith
II Attack of the Clones
I The Phantom Menace
...
VII The Force Awakens
VIII The Last Jedi